Relational trauma and emotional neglect can lead to your growing into a perfectionist, people pleaser, or overachiever as an adult.

When we think of the ways people react to trauma, we often think of nightmares, flashbacks, hypervigilance, and other common PTSD symptoms.

But not all trauma turns into PTSD, particularly the long-term, ongoing, emotional and relational traumas. Instead of going through a single major traumatic incident, chronic trauma represents a pattern of unhealthy, unhelpful, or harmful attachments. These patterns usually go all the way back into your childhood.

Children who grow up missing that emotional and relational connection to an important adult often grow into adults who learn how to relate to others through achievement. Let’s explore the common messages underlying perfectionism, people pleasing, and overachieving and what each of these people needs in order to grow.

The Perfectionist’s Message:

Your worth is based on how well you do at everything.

Perfectionists often grew up with the message that their worth is connected to the quality of their work. This is similar to the pressures put on overachievers, but perfectionists often receive the message that they have to do perfectly from the start. When your value as a person is so closely tied to how well you do, it’s natural to want to prove your worth through demonstrating that you can live up to those expectations. If you grew up with strict parents who were focused on academic, athletic, or social achievement, you may have internalized the message that you are only as good as you achieve.

Perfectionism can also help to keep you safe from outside criticism. When you’re the person who’s most critical of yourself, other people’s criticism doesn’t hurt as much. As long as your own internal voice is the loudest and meanest, you’re insulated from feeling like you’ve disappointed someone else. This is especially common with people who grew up with a parent who was impossible to please. When your earliest attachment figures are your first critics, you learn to talk to yourself with that same critical voice.

Perfectionists need to hear that they are loved and valued for who they are regardless of their work, achievement, or productivity. Often, you need to hear your own inner critic begin to soften and grow in kindness. You may need learn how to accept criticism from others. It may take some work to recognize the family, cultural, and internal messages linking high expectations to personal worth. If your family hasn’t done this work, you will get push back from them. You might hear that you’re letting yourself go, letting them down, or risking your career. But this growth will allow you to have a healthy relationship with your inner voice, develop a sense of your intrinsic value, and relate to your work in a more balanced way.

The People Pleaser’s Message:

Keeping the peace is more important than your well being.

People pleasers often grew up with the message that conflict is not okay. Sometimes that comes from a family of origin where there is no conflict at all, but everyone can sense the underlying tension. Other times it comes from a family where one parent is angry, moody, or critical and everyone else in the family takes on the role of soothing or managing that person’s moods to maintain the calm in the house. Additionally, this dynamic can develop in a family where one or both parents have had a serious illness or mental health issue that has pulled the entire family into a caregiving orbit centered on the ill person and their needs above everyone else’s.

People pleasers learn early on that their needs, emotions, and wants are not as important as others’. You may also have learned that helping others or making others happy is the best way to get what you want. Your family growing up may have used passive aggressive tactics or kindness with strings attached as a way to get what they really wanted. You might be an expert now at reading between the lines to figure out what someone really wants based on what they’re saying or not saying.

People pleasers need to hear that they are just as important as everyone else and that conflict is normal even though it can be uncomfortable. It may take some time to learn to engage in healthy conflict instead of avoiding it. Often you need to learn how to hear your own inner voice and listen to your preferences, wants, and needs. As you get more in tune with yourself and value yourself as important, you will need to learn how to identify and communicate your boundaries to others. If your relationships have been centered on you doing for others, managing their moods to avoid conflict, or making others happy, there will be a lot of resistance to your growth. You might hear that you’re being selfish, rude, or inconsiderate. But this growth will allow you to stay in touch with your own experience, communicate your needs and preferences, and set healthy boundaries.

The Overachiever’s Message:

Your worth is based on what (and how much) you do.

Overachievers grow up with the message that their worth is tied to their work. Similar but slightly different from perfectionists in that overachievers are judged on their final result and not on their process. It’s okay to fail or do poorly along the way as long as the end result is the achievement. Overachievers may even hear messages that glorify the struggle and feel like it’s better to put in many hours of difficult work on a project than to do well easily on the first try. Overachievers often grew up in families where stories of struggle are part of the family narrative. This is very common in immigrant families, families who run a small business together, and those who have experienced a collective trauma.

If you grew up with the message that achievement is the goal and that you are expected to struggle to attain that goal, you are at a high risk for burnout. You may find yourself avoiding easier methods and shortcuts so your efforts are more valued. But the stress and pressure of performance can really wear you down. And if you crumble under the pressure, that’s a direct commentary on your value as a person.

Overachievers need to hear that they are allowed to drop the struggle. It’s okay for life to contain ease. It’s also okay to have boundaries around your time and efforts. You may be the kind of person who works late to get things done, and time boundaries may affect your work performance. But if you’ve been putting in long hours of unpaid overtime, you’re missing out on the life you could have if you spent your free time on yourself and your own life. You might have to have a difficult conversation with your boss about only working during work hours and helping your team adjust their expectations about what you can actually do during normal work hours.

Online therapy in Aptos, CA can help you explore your inner messages

Perfectionists, people pleasers, and overachievers can all benefit from therapy to explore the ways their childhood messages are still affecting their lives. If you are feeling trapped in these patterns of expectations, contact me here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening and see how I can help.