There is no timeline for rediscovering your sexuality

It’s normal to want intimacy, relationship, and physical touch. Many people get that primarily from their partner, so when that main person dies or is no longer available, we’re missing that sense of closeness.

It’s also normal for that feeling to disappear for a while. There’s no expectation for when or if your sexual and relational desires will return after the loss of your spouse.

And it’s also okay if you feel all those desires but can’t imagine opening up to a new person or just want to keep the memories of past intimacy with your partner.

Depending on your partner’s health before they died, it may already have been a long time since you had sex. If sex wasn’t a possibility for a while, you may already have a habit of suppressing your sexuality and desire.

There are a few roadblocks that can get in the way of rediscovering sexuality and exploring future relationships:

Roadblock #1: Judgment

Other people often have strong opinions about when and how you date again after losing your partner. If you have children with your partner, they’ll have their own thoughts about you being intimate with a new person. Your sexuality is your business, not theirs. Notice how the judgments are affecting you and set boundaries with people who feel entitled to dictate how and when you can or should have another relationship.

Roadblock #2: Relational expectations

The burden of routine household tasks still falls on women in most heterosexual partnerships, so many women who have lost a husband don’t feel like they want to step back into having to care for another person’s needs day in and day out. Similarly, heterosexual men are used to being cared for and having someone around do the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. It’s no wonder that women tend to prefer to live independently from a future partner (or just keep things casual) and men tend to look for another wife who will be their caretaker. Notice if your desire for a new relationship (or desire to avoid another relationship) centers on wanting to be taken care of (or not wanting to be a caretaker again). It’s not wrong to want independence or to be taken care of, but be open and honest with yourself about your expectations and needs.

Roadblock #3: Betrayal

If you’ve been in a monogamous partnership for a long time, that mentality doesn’t just turn off when your spouse dies. Even though you know they’re not around anymore, it can still feel like you’re betraying them to have sex with someone else- or even to start getting emotionally or romantically attached to someone else! It can also be difficult to know what to do with your wedding ring. Taking it off can feel like you’re cheating or betraying them, but you may be ready to try a new relationship before you feel ready to remove the ring. There’s no right or wrong answer here- you have to do what’s right for yourself.

How do you know you’re ready to move on?

First, reflect on what you really want: to have sex, to start a new connection, to get into a new relationship- whatever that looks like for you. Try to discern if this desire is about meeting your own needs and wants for sex or relationship (healthy) or if it’s a desire to meet other people’s expectations or timeline for how you should be moving on after your loss (unhealthy).

Next, pay attention to how you feel when you are out with others. Are you excited to meet new people and make connections or does the idea of intimacy make you feel sick?

It’s okay if you want to consider options that don’t involve another person. Some people get a pet for companionship and meet their sexual desires with toys or self-stimulation.

Finally, take comfort that this isn’t an all-or-nothing decision. You can decide you’re ready to date again and then later decide that it’s actually not for you right now.

Having sex again can feel empowering… or not

If or when you decide to have sex again, I hope it’s clear that both results are okay. Some people fall into a new connection and develop a strong relationship after their loss, and other people discover they’re completely okay being alone. Some people lose any desire for sex, and others experience an intense desire for intimacy.

Thoughts and memories of your spouse can come up when you’re trying to be intimate with someone new. For some people, this is a sign to take more time to grieve before trying again. Other people are able to acknowledge that sex is deeply associated with that person and still be present and sexual with someone else.

Meeting your needs for connection and casual intimacy is more difficult

Losing your spouse means losing way more than just sex. You might miss the late night casual conversations, the way they would hold you during a movie, or the feeling of their hand on your shoulder. Your bed feels empty, you miss the sound of their footsteps down the hall, and there’s nobody to share your inside jokes.

Those things won’t be the same with a new person. A new relationship can provide things that are similar but they’ll always be different. That fact can be a comfort and a source of pain. It can be comforting to remember that your relationship with your partner will always be unique to the two of you no matter what happens in your future. It can be painful to realize that some dynamics and shared intimacies are gone forever.

Your friends and family can only fill this void to a point. They’re with you when you go out, pick up the phone, or otherwise intentionally choose to spend time with them. But no matter how full your schedule is, your downtime is still a reminder that they’re gone.

Want a safe place to talk through these decisions?

Therapy is a non-judgmental space where you can process your thoughts and emotions about getting back out there. Schedule a free 15 minute consultation here to learn more and get started.