Text Based Therapy

Text based therapy is an alternative to real time in person or video sessions. It’s also called asynchronous therapy. A UC Davis study shows that text based therapy can be just as effective as real time therapy for non-urgent mental health needs.

Who Benefits From Text Based Therapy?

  • People who like time to process their thoughts. If you’ve ever felt a bit overwhelmed by real time therapy sessions, text based therapy might give you a sense of space and time to consider what you want to say without creating awkward silences.
  • People who can express themselves better through writing or after some time to think. If you are the kind of person who thinks of what they really wanted to say after the session is over, text based therapy might benefit you so you can fully express yourself.
  • People whose schedules don’t allow them to keep to a regular session time. It’s hard to get to therapy when you don’t know your work schedule in advance or when you do shift work that has you available at nontraditional hours. Sure, there are therapists who have odd availability too, but text based therapy lets you get help at your convenience without finding a scheduling unicorn.
  • People who have difficulty with eye contact, feel stressed by real time interactions, or feel pressured to say the socially acceptable thing instead of what they’re really feeling.

Text Based Therapy With Me

I’m now offering asynchronous text-based therapy as an alternative to real time video sessions! Text-based therapy is provided through a HIPAA secure platform and offers many of the benefits of real time talk therapy.

As with all my therapy services, this is only available for people living in California. I work with people whose fears of abandonment and rejection lead them to sabotage their relationships. I also work with early career and young adult therapists to develop confidence in themselves, prevent burnout, and manage their own mental health as they work to heal others. Additionally, I work with people who are grieving losses and navigating a new path forward while honoring their pain.

What Happens Every Week?

Instead of getting a link to a scheduled therapy session, you’ll have full access to a HIPAA secure platform. You’ll be billed on Mondays (see FAQ for cost), I’ll send you messages each week, and you can respond at your convenience.

The content of our messages will depend on your needs. In general, I’ll keep our discussions focused on your goals. I’ll challenge you to think deeply about what’s going on for you and help you gain insights into your patterns just like in real time therapy.

Like with in person or video sessions, I’m here to help you, but your success depends on you doing the work on your own time. It can take a bit more effort on your part with text based therapy since we won’t have the accountability of face to face interactions. But if you’re the type of person who can thrive with asynchronous therapy, I am available to help you work toward your goals.

Fear of Abandonment

The Abandonment Cycle Looks Like:

You meet someone new and tell yourself not to get attached.

So you avoid getting close and opening up.

You end up getting so close you’re deeply attached and invested.

Then you get scared they’ll see through you, realize you’re not worth their time, and leave you.

So you push them away first. That way they can’t hurt you.

But that leaves you alone and abandoned anyway.

How To Handle Abandonment Thoughts

Separate Yourself From Your Thoughts

Let’s start off by getting some distance. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that these thoughts are natural and they’re okay. They’re uncomfortable, but they’re not dangerous. Thoughts come and go, and abandonment thoughts are no different. Breathe deeply, noticing how your body feels. Observe any physical reactions you’re having. Describe the feelings like you’re explaining them to an outside observer who’s never felt them before.

Look At The Facts

Next, describe the facts of the situation to yourself. Just the facts, no interpretation. Our minds naturally want to fill in the gaps to guess what might be going on, but our minds also want to keep us safe by preparing for the worst case scenario. Just the facts. These examples can help you identify the difference between facts and interpretation.

  • I texted her an hour ago and she still hasn’t responded. She must hate me.
  • My friends were out having fun without me. I found out on Instagram. I feel sad, like they just don’t care.
  • I lost my last best friend and it was very traumatic. Those thoughts come up when my new friends don’t make plans with me on our days off. It’s inevitable that I’ll eventually lose them too.

Pause And Find Calm

After you’ve explored the facts, freeze your actions until you can decide what to do from a place of calm. In the moment, your mind can come up with a lot of ideas about what you can do to make sure your friends don’t abandon you. But when you take a step back, some of those ideas aren’t helpful and may even be harmful to your friendships. Our minds don’t make great decisions when we’re stressed, anxious, and desperate.

Act Intentionally From Your Values

Once you’re calm, you can evaluate your choices. Try to notice which choices seem like emotional reactions and which seem like they’re aligned with your values. Check in with your body to make sure you’re still feeling calm as you explore your options. It can help to imagine that you’re offering advice to a friend or family member so the situation feels less personal. Once you’ve settled on a choice, consider the possible outcomes. How do you think your friends will react if you take that action? Will it get you what you want? Is there a possibility it might make things worse? Do you think you’ll agree with your choice tomorrow?

Follow Up With Your Choices

In the moment, it’s difficult to really know what’s going to happen. That’s why it’s important to go back and look at what the results were after the fact. A few days or weeks after you make a choice, take some time to really explore the actual outcomes. Were your ideas of possible outcomes correct? Did it work out how you wanted? What unexpected things came up?

This follow up is NOT meant as an exercise in shame. If you find your thoughts turning to shame, blame, and negativity, reset! We’re looking just at the facts, no judgment. You need to look at the parts that went wrong so you can do something different next time. Usually, you’ll notice that you’re getting stuck on one part of this process more than others. When you notice your patterns, you can create change.

Help For Abandonment

It’s possible to heal your fear of abandonment. You can grow into safe, secure attachment in your relationships. If you’re in California and you’re ready to get started healing your fears of abandonment, click here to schedule a free consultation or click here to learn more about me.

What Is The Best Therapy For BPD?

If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, you may be wondering what the best therapy for BPD is. You want help and you want to get a good result. You certainly don’t want to waste money on therapy that isn’t the best fit for you. Or maybe you’ve tried a method that doesn’t work for you and you want to know some alternatives.

What Does It Mean to Be the Best?

The idea of a “best therapy” for BPD is highly subjective. Many people with BPD have been helped by Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), but it seems like almost as many people have tried it and didn’t like it. Fortunately, DBT is just one of many options.

The best therapy for BPD is really the best therapy for you. As you read through this list, consider what would best help you in your recovery. Also consider what format might be best for you. Many methods of therapy for BPD are available as intensive outpatient programs or even partial hospital programs. This can be good if you think you would benefit from more intensive work.

DBT: The First Best Therapy for BPD

I refer to Dialectical Behavior Therapy as the first best therapy for BPD because it was one of the first methods that was created especially for people with a BPD diagnosis. If you’ve been around BPD circles for a while, you’ve heard of DBT. You probably also have an opinion on DBT and its effectiveness.

If you’re newly diagnosed or just haven’t heard about DBT, it’s an offshoot of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). But it’s been modified to help people with BPD because it emphasizes mindfulness. DBT integrates some very meditative and philosophical ideas. Its main goal is to help you become less emotionally reactive. Mindfulness helps you slow your mind down so you don’t say or do things you might regret later.

DBT is based on skills, and it’s commonly used in a group format to help you learn and practice skills with other people. The groups can support you as you try to use the skills in real life situations. Group therapy also reminds you that you’re not alone with your BPD.

Full DBT can be hard to find. The official method is pretty intense, and most therapists don’t offer every part of “full” or “real” DBT. It’s hard to say that DBT is the best therapy for BPD when most therapists and programs don’t offer the full DBT experience.

Still, DBT skills can give you a helpful foundation to get started. You can often find DBT skills workbooks at libraries and bookstores so you can work through the skills without a therapist or program. Despite some of the issues, DBT is still considered the gold standard for best therapy for BPD… at least in America.

MBT: The Other Best Therapy for BPD

Mentalization Based Treatment was created in the late 1980s, around the same time as DBT. Like DBT, MBT was created by people with BPD and meant to help people with BPD. (Lots of acronyms!) Despite its background of evidence, proven effectiveness, and ease of use, it’s not quite as popular as DBT.

The ease of use is a huge factor in why I personally believe MBT should be more standard in the US. As I mentioned in the previous section, DBT is highly complex and requires significant training to be fully used. Most therapists aren’t fully trained and don’t offer the full complement of DBT supports. In contrast, MBT is easy for therapists to learn so they can offer a more complete therapy experience for you as the client.

MBT assumes that a primary cause of BPD is poor attachment as a child. If you don’t have a parent figure who you can safely attach to, you can’t develop your full emotional capacity or sense of yourself. MBT’s focus in treatment is to help you overcome the deficits in your childhood so you can develop secure attachments as an adult.

If your main issues are centered on your relationships, MBT may be the best therapy for BPD for you. It will help you heal your attachment wounds from your early childhood so you have less volatility in your current relationships. You’ll become less sensitive to small changes in your interactions. You’ll also learn how to soothe yourself when you become overwhelmed.

TFP: Best Therapy for BPD…For Some

Transference Focused Psychotherapy (TFP) is a modern psychoanalytic method. If the term “psychoanalytic” made you think of Freud, you’re right! That’s why I think TFP is best defined as a possible best therapy for BPD for some people. Not everyone is the best fit for psychoanalysis.

Modern psychoanalysis is different from how it was in the past. You typically won’t have 5 sessions a week or lay on a couch. But it is still focused mostly on internal work. You won’t necessarily learn new skills or insights right away. Instead, you’ll need to pay a lot of attention to your thoughts and to the relationship between you and your therapist.

One of the core ideas of psychoanalysis is that the relationship between you and the therapist is a reflection of your outside relationships. So any work you do in the sessions will help you out in the “real” world. You’ll be challenged to stick with the therapeutic relationship through all the ups and downs. Your therapist will help and prompt you to communicate everything. This includes your fears of abandonment and your feelings of idealizing, anger, emptiness, and suicide.

Could this be the best therapy for BPD for you? One caution is the lack of empirical evidence. Because TFP is highly individualized, it’s hard to create an effective scientific study. Another caution is that TFP can feel intense. It’s personal, not skills-based, so each session will be directly about you and the ways you relate to others. But if you’ve tried DBT and didn’t like it, TFP might be a good alternative to try.

There Is Help For BPD

Whatever therapy method you choose, and there are many more not listed here, the key focus is finding the one that helps you. There’s no point in finding the highest rated method if it’s not a good fit for your needs. The best therapy for BPD is the one you can stick to. Therapy works best when you can meet regularly and when you can feel comfortable with your therapist.

BPD Therapy With Me

My method of BPD therapy pulls from many kinds of therapy. I love the DBT focus on mindfulness and developing internal awareness. Some of the DBT skills are useful to provide structure when you feel like you’re falling apart. I also incorporate the attachment focus of MBT. Many of the people I work with had a very invalidating childhood and don’t feel secure in relationships. Finally, I think it is important to take the TFP perspective that the therapy relationship is meant to help heal your outside relationships. In therapy, you have a safe space to practice boundaries, stating your opinions and preferences, and expressing your emotions.

To learn more about how I work with BPD and to see if my method may be the best therapy for your BPD, click here.

Book Review: BPD Survival Guide

A therapist reviews The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide by Alexander L Chapman and Kim L Gratz. This book states that it’s “a comprehensive and accessible guide to the causes and symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, co-occurring problems, psychological treatment options, medication options, and effective coping skills.

Cover image of the book The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide. Subtitle states Everything You Need To Know About Living With BPD. Top quote and authors listed in paragraph preceding the image. Additional notation of a foreword written by Perry D Hoffman, PhD, President of the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder.
Cover image for The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide.

A Comprehensive Summary

This book is an excellent overview of Borderline Personality Disorder and is written for people who have BPD and those who love someone with BPD. The book starts by addressing the signs and symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. It then addresses the stigma around BPD as a diagnosis. There are many myths about people with Borderline Personality Disorder being dangerous or manipulative. The authors also address some of the myths about where Borderline Personality Disorder comes from.

The most important myth that the authors address is the idea that Borderline Personality Disorder is a life sentence. While it does feel overwhelming, BPD is manageable and treatable. In the second part of the book, the authors address current treatments for Borderline Personality Disorder including Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Mentalization Based Treatment (MBT).

You’ll Get Resources

While this book is meant to be an overview of what it means to have BPD, it’s not meant to replace treatment. The authors do a good job of pointing you to places where you can learn more. They also provide resources for you to find a therapist who treats Borderline Personality Disorder.

In summary, this book is a great resource for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s also helpful for people who want to learn more about BPD to support a loved one. It ends with some tips to help get you some relief while you’re waiting to see a therapist or join an inpatient program.

BPD Help Online

If you’re in California, learn more about how I help people with Borderline Personality Disorder here. In another state? Find online resources through TARA NAPD and NEA-BPD. People supporting someone with Borderline Personality Disorder can find resources at Borderline Sanctuary and BPD Central.