“There must have been something I could have done.”
”I should have seen the signs sooner.”
”If I’d said something, would she still be alive?”

If these thoughts sound familiar, you’re not alone. Our minds like to feel in control, and one way they do that is by searching for a reason or a cause behind the things that happen.

Thoughts stuck in guilt

Most people have these kinds of thoughts. Your mind wants to figure out what happened and what you could have done differently.

But these thoughts only amplify the pain of your loss. You’re already grieving, and the idea that you had a part in causing the loss adds extra insult to the injury.

The guilt can also keep you isolated. It’s hard to see other people who walked away from a car crash, survived cancer, or got the treatments they needed. A guilt-focused mind will see these as examples of your failure. They did something you didn’t do, or they saw something you missed.

Why do we blame ourselves?

Guilt is easier to feel than powerlessness.

When we hear that someone has been injured, one of the first questions we ask is “What happened?”

We want to hear a direct cause- they were injured because they weren’t following the rules, wearing a helmet or seatbelt, or taking a dangerous risk.

Our minds have the same impulse with death. When the story doesn’t make sense, they search for a causal relationship that creates a coherent narrative. Often, this is a narrative full of guilt because that’s the only way for the story to make sense.

Magical thinking creates guilt

Magical thinking is when our minds try to tell us that if we do everything right, things will work out. If we’re good people, only good things will happen to us.

There’s a dangerous corollary here (technically a contrapositive, but that’s just being pedantic). When things don’t work out or when bad things happen, it’s because we’re bad people or that we didn’t do what we should have done.

This is not true. We can’t control what happens around us, and we can do everything right and still fail.

(bonus points if you got the Star Trek reference)

We can’t control other people, prevent bad things from happening, or correctly anticipate exactly what will happen out of the myriad possibilities.

It’s great to try to do the best you can, but that’s not enough to “save” you from the painful parts of life. You can’t focus on the things you didn’t do and heal from your grief.

Therapy for grief and loss can help

Guilt keeps you stuck in magical thinking, adding extra hurt to your loss. I can help you notice and confront the guilt narratives and shift into a healthier mindset that allows you to grieve your loss without the additional pain.

Learn more about how I work with grief here, or click here to schedule a free 15 minute conversation about how I grief therapy with a compassionate therapist can help you get unstuck from guilt, blame, and shame.