Disenfranchised Grief
The term disenfranchised grief refers to any kind of grief that is not acknowledged or supported. About half the people who come in for grief therapy are going through disenfranchised grief.
What kinds of grief tend to be disenfranchised?
Death from suicide or drug/alcohol abuse
Death from criminal or gang related activity
Death of an affair partner or other unacknowledged relationship
Death of an ex-partner
Death of an online friend
Death of a coworker, client, or community group member
Death of a teacher, mentor, pastor, or other broader support person
Infertility, miscarriage, failed adoption, and abortion
Estrangement from a friend or relative
Estrangement due to drug, alcohol, or mental health issues
Estrangement due to incarceration
Loss of home or country by disaster, moving, or immigration
Loss of childhood to abuse or neglect
Loss of mobility, health, or ability
Caregiving for someone with memory loss
Beyond these most common examples, any kind of grief can be disenfranchised when your community and support system invalidates and denies your loss. An example of this is pet death. Some communities understand the depth of grief you can feel after losing a pet, and others are dismissive about your pain.
Your loss can feel invalidated in group settings as well. If you’ve tried to go to a grief group that wasn’t well-moderated by the leaders, you might have experienced a sense of comparison. It’s hard to feel comfortable processing your loss if you feel like others are judging your pain. On the other hand, group support targeted toward people with your same kind of loss can help you feel less alone.
What do you do with disenfranchised grief?
Get support. Any way you can. Connect with an online or local group, find a therapist, or stick with the few people in your life who understand. Grief feeds on isolation. If you don’t feel like you have anyone you can talk to about what you’re thinking and feeling, it can fester instead of healing.
Find your own ways to memorialize the loss. If you were the “other person” in the affair, a coworker, or an estranged family member, you might not be invited to the funeral or memorial service. You’ll need to create your own rituals to remember the person.
Journal about your thoughts and feelings, create art or poetry, go for a walk outdoors, or do something that reminds you of the person or place that’s special. Keep that sense of connection alive to remind you that death and separation don’t remove our memories and joy.
Interested in learning more about grief therapy?
Grief counseling for disenfranchised grief is exactly the same as counseling for other forms of grief. In therapy, your loss won’t be treated as invalid or different. You deserve to have a space to grieve your loss.
Contact me for a free 15 minute consultation, read more about how I work with grief and loss, or learn more about me.